10
Jun
09

Girl, Sit Your Dumb Ass Down

Dear Ladies and Gents of Damnfools,

As I sat at my PC thinking about all the blogworthy tomfoolery I have seen since last Wednesday, a series of things came to mind. However, I am already beginning to see a pet peeve of mine rearing its ugly head and its not even officially summer yet. I visited my prayer closet, talked with my sweet Jesus, and with the good Lord’s help, I will pass on the good news of how YOU can avoid committing this offense right here. I really, really hope that I don’t have to revisit this topic again, but I know that there are only so many that will take heed and for those that don’t, well, that’s what camera phones and most importantly DAMNFOOLS, is for to put you and your Ashy.Arse.Feet on FULL BLAST as deemed necessary.

There is nothing worse than a chick that is fresh from the top of her head to the bottom of her shin with some cute sandals and her feet looking like she makes gravel with them part time. Or, a dude that looks like he rolls dough on his heels. First and foremost, I do not feel sorry for you or your feet. When I see things like this, I want to smack the isht out of you and the people around you for allowing you to come out the house like that. I hear you saying, “But Favor, I put lotion on my skin, an it still gets dry round bout the ankle and heel area. “Well bish, clearly, that suave or store brand watered down isht ain’t gone get it for your rough arse feet. So desperate times call for desperate measures. You got to get to the root of the problem. You can’t put a band-aid on a bullet wound so damnit, you can’t put some cheap arse lotion on some corn-husks and think they gone glisten and shine all damn day. Girl, really, sit your dumb ass down with that.
There are several products and very simple at-home remedies that your lazy arse can take advantage of that don’t take much time and cost way less than the embarrassment that you are bringing to yourself, your boo/jumpoff, and most importantly me and the other folks that have to look at those gravel-crushers you walking on and be forced to talk about you. Now that I have given your dumb arse some tough love, I can help you and equip you to go forth and help others…you know reach one teach one and all that good isht.

*
You got to start with a clean slate. Get a damn pedicure. I mean really, if you can spend $100+ on a pair of sandals, you can spend $20-$25 on a pedicure once or twice a month. This way you start with a clean slate. If you knew any damn better, you would get them year round (what the hell this chicks feet looking like in the winter time? *shudders at the thought*)
*
If a pedicure at the nail salon is out of the budget (you really need to get used to boots and tennis shoes and never buy sandals again but if you insist *sigh*) invest in a ped-egg. They cost about $10 at drugstores nationwide and will slough off the corn-husks, calluses that like to meet and congregate around about the heel area.
*
*ATTENTION* *ATTENTION* There are products just foryour ashy and dry arse feet! Once you got your feet nice and smooth, the only way to keep them that way is to moisturize, REGULARY! You can try Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula, For Dry, Ashy Skin , Kerasal , Avon Intensive Therapyvaseline or damnit Crisco if you in a pinch…oil is oil and if it can make a piece of fried chicken glisten and shine in the heat…just imagine what it’ll do for your feet!
*
Once you get the feet cleaned and smooth in the mighty name of my sweet minty Jesus paint your toes (ladies) and keep that chipped nail polish to a minimum of NONE. Nail polish is just like salvation, you can’t ride the fence, either its gone be on or off…you can’t have both. For the dudes, a coat of clear polish won’t give you a twitch.

Okay lets review so you won’t say I wasn’t clear on the direction in which you and your feet should be going

To go from ashy to classyyou must start with clean, manicured feet.

Once the corn-husks and calluses have been removed, you must MOISTURIZE.

If you are going to wear polish, keep that isht touched up.

Now if you follow these simple steps year round, you won’t have to be rushing trying to get your feet in order for the summer and I won’t have to wear safety glasses in fear of your skin cracking on your heels and shooting blood errwhere.

In His Blessed Name,

-Favor

P.S. Do yall think ash and dry arse feet remedy research shoulda been included in the stimulus package? Just a thought.

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