Author Archive for Damn Fools

26
Aug
09

Girl Sit Your Dumb Ass Down

Stop Lying, You Don’t Want The Truth Series

Part 1: Do Chicks Really Want The Truth?

*Starts music, lights candle, lights incense, fluffs popcorn and sticks feet in foot soak* Let’s eavesdrop on CC and UOB’s conversation:

CluelessChick: Baby, we need to talk.

UnOfficialBoo: *thinking aww shat, my emo free p*ssy bout to come to an end* About what?

CC: About us, we been friends with benefits, free arse w/no commitment “kicking it” for a minute and you haven’t said anything about me being your official chick. I mean, how you feel about me?

UOB: We good…you straight. You are a good girl and a cool person to be with. We good friends.

CC: *thinking wtf* We good friends? We been sleeping together for __ months; what you talking about good friends? Is that all I am to you?

UOB: I just want to take it slow and get to know you. You know, see where this goes. I don’t want to rush anything. I got other members of the dream team, $$$ to get, fame to claim before I make my final choice.

CC: Oh okay. As long as I know where we stand, I’m cool. Still confused as hell

UOB: *thinking emo free p*ssy still in rotation*

*Mentally runs out of clueless chick scene before the stupid bish stick is pointed my way accidentally*

***WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART….IF YOU NOT READY, DON’T MESS WIT IT***

Ladies, how many times have you heard your girl recall a stupid arse conversations like the one above? I know you probably got to take a track out your hair (don’t do it cause my sewing game is not up to par and I can’t sew “Every girl in the world”) and use the strands to count the endless text messages, FB statuses, Twitter messages and emails over what her “unofficial” boo said last night. Fellas, I know you have had a good belly laugh a many of day over the chicks that have continued to fall on their knees and slob on the knob fell for this vague, elusive, say nothing line “I just want to take it slow and get to know you; you know, see where this goes. I don’t want to rush anything.” or a variation of it. Now I know where you think this post is headed…a male bashing session. Nall I don’t roll like that (I’m into specific male bashing)…you know I ,<3 yall! So lets get it in!

First and foremost she f*cked up when she said, "We need to talk." I believe people men in general go on defense mode when they hear this statement. Its like no matter what comes after those 4 words, (I hit the lottery, I’m pregnant, I got fired) that statement alone promotes strategy and planning for whatever is coming next. Anybody dating, “in a situation”, pre-boo status, “just talking” or whatever the hell you want to call it when you are in transition from friends to official boo status, knows that the “talk” is coming. You must find a better way to address this transition without using this statement. I’m a no nonsense girl that likes to get to the point, but in a soft way. I got a big ego but I’m sensitive too ūüėČ I would come at the situation like, “I enjoy spending time with you and I’m interested in being more than friends/casually dating with you. How do you feel about that?” That’s not a new way of your expressing yourself, just a different approach from the usual. It keeps the power kind of balanced. If he says he just wants to keep things the way they are, the ball is back in your court to either roll with it or roll the f*ck out. If he says lets make this thang official… do the dang thang then! Either way, it throws the power back your way and kind of limits potential bruising of the ego (check-mate!).

Since UnOfficialBoo said, “I just want to take it slow and get to know you…You know, see where this goes…BLAH BLAH BLAH”, that’s what the f*ck he means! Bish are you slow? He is not playing hard to get, he wants to keep getting it the way he getting it with no strings attached right now. Or (in the fella’s defense) he really does want to take it slow and get to know you *PAUSE POLICE* <- I wonder did UOB have this epiphany before OR after he hit the sugar walls and was feeling on CC's lady lumps?

If you are not willing to "take it slow" and "see where this goes" with him, keep that shat moving! Its really that simple. Its nobody's fault but your dumb arse for staying in a situation that you are not comfortable with. I shed no tears for your selective hearing loss. If you looking for a commitment you need to state your case. Closed mouths do not get fed (and I hear without "Becky" there is no pipe-laying either…but I digress) and I'm pretty sure he is not a mind reader. If he is, that's some shat I am not familiar with and I really need you to educate me in the comments section. Ladies, stop being afraid of the inevitable. I'd rather get my ego bruised a lil bit now versus sitting around playing boo boo the fool for months or years waiting on you to choose me.

Bur Favor, he got potential (come up potential, husband potential, I-can-sit-on-my-arse-while-he-works-and-not-do-a-d*mn-thing-potential). *long blank stare at your dumb arse* Well, that's a gamble. An if you are willing to roll the dice of life and wait, good luck with that…lol. However, action speaks LOUDER than words. If he said he wasn't ready, and he not making no moves that are indicative of him being ready then umm, I must ask why are you acting like a dumb bish falling in love with the come up? Favor, you ask, what's the come up? That's when you infatuated with what you think a person is going to become versus what they showing you right now. *see Keesha Nichols*

Basically, if you not ready an I am and if I don't feel you worth waiting on, I'ma keep it moving to the next dude.

But since CluelessChick didn't keep her p*ssy on a pedestal like I discussed in a previous post *SMH*, she has already done the do and got her feelings involved. Emotionally she is past the point of no return; its either ride or die. However, if you been in a "situation for 6 months", you sleeping with this person, going out on a regular and you still calling him your " special friend" or "that's my boy" and you think you in a relationship but don't know for sure, you are clearly mistakened and confused. It really doesn't take months/years on end for anyone to know they want to be with you. Think about it, why would someone pass up someone they are interested in for them to get scooped up by another person? I'm very aware of the mentality of getting yourself together financially, personally and professionally before getting booed up…but fellas, lets be real, if you see potential in a chick you still gone get at her, let her know the business and give her the opportunity to hop on the D on a regular come along for the ride if her gangsta match your gangsta. So for CC’s dumb arse: In the future don’t wait till your panties are on the floor and you bout to take the fantasy ride to ask a ninja how he feel about you, where we stand, where is this going…you know stupid arse questions that shoulda been asked (upright, fully clothed) long before you giving him the business. Ladies you know like I know once you start giving up your parts your hearts will follow (I know its some bonified gangsta bishes that love em and leave em…. but I’m not talking to yall) so as Black Bart says, keep it in your pants!

There is nothing wrong with clarification on where you stand with a person. I mean really, if no one says anything, you’ll never know what’s going on. But ultimately, people only treat you how you allow them to. Listen to what they are saying and the actions that go along with it. If you don’t, sit your dumb arse down when shat don’t go your way. You’ve been forewarned.

Peace and blessings,

Favor

Next week (for real this time) Part 2: Are you looking for a husband or a sponsor?

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12
Aug
09

Girl Sit Your Dumb Ass Down

I want to keep it light this week since my b-day is Saturday ( an I got a spa day out of this world planned!) . Here are 15 things (not in any particular things) that I thought I’d never say I couldn’t live without.

1. GNC Megawoman Multivitamins- my energy be on another level w/ these!

2. A nap -d*mn I miss living on campus!

3. Sunscreen (SPF 30 or better baybay! Wrinkle free is for me!)

4. 1000+ thread count Egyptian Cotton Sheets- if you don’t know, get ’em in your life (or bed for that matter) and you’ll sleep like a newborn babe.

5. Quality friends- I went through a me against the world phase; thank God I saw the light…lol.

6. Personalized Fashion Lookbook – your look should be put together, not thrown together or right off the rack…be original w/ your shat!

7. Laughter- I can’t go a day without laughing. It truly soothes the soul. Even if I am sick as a dog I will find something to laugh at (even myself…I’m easily amused. Don’t judge me). I follow folks on twitter just because they go HAM and make my day…ALL DAY!

8. Private time w/ God- there is nothing like meditating and really hearing Him for myself. This also keeps me from putting my salvation on the curb and popping the trunk on these folks that want to try me.
9. Carmex- I don’t care if I got on MAC lipglass, NARS lipgloss or the baddest YSL lipstick combo…carmex takes me higher with the smooth lips beneath the glamorous shades. Crusty, cracked lips +lipstick and/or lipgloss=hot arse mess!

10. Enemies- they stretch my faith in God and motivate me to keep doing what’s right (or whatever’s got them hating and talking cause clearly I’m doing something right if you spending your days and/or nights thinking bout me). I’m always praying for your hating, bitter arse. Love ya more:)

11. Coupons-anyone who knows me is clear on the fact that if there is a coupon,email club, birthday club or savings of any sort for an item, I can find it. (Think I might do a post on being a fashionista on a budget)

12. Common Sense- I have met a lot of stupid bishes w/tons of book sense but they are dumb as a doorknob about life. Common sense is REALLY not that common. It can’t be taught so I praise my cross-bearing Jesus for taking extra special care of babies and fools. If you reading this, you’re not a baby *blank stare at your dumb arse*.

13. Spanx- as a proud, healthier member of the CGWO (Curvy Girls World Order) this keeps the lady lumps in order when the fabric is not forgiving… GLO-RAY!

14. The Power of NO- when I gained this…I became a brand new person! It took a long time to permanently erase the WELCOME sign imprinted on my forehead (along w/ the timberland boot prints of people walking all over my arse too) and integrate the word NO into my vocabulary and the ability to stand firmly behind my decision. I can proudly say I am not a people pleaser for about 6 years strong!

15. Social Networking/Blogs – I have met some of the nicest, kindest people (even though I stay incognegro on them sites…don’t need ninjas stalking me via the innanet) and developed some great friendships, working relationships and partnerships. There are some blogs out here in addition to damnfools (don’t be side eyeing me Billy) that I have to check daily to get my “LOLSmileyface” on (love you Treyz Songz…okay I digress).

So what things can you not live without? Think a lil deeper than the laptop, crackberry or loubou’s you rock. I cooled it off this week but next week… Stop Lying, You Don’t Want The Truth: Part 1- Do Chicks Really Want The Truth?

Favor Really Isn’t Fair, Deal With It!

06
Aug
09

Call A Stretcher

This nigga has officially dropped his cereal. He has been doing some questionable things lately but now there is no hope. May his career and his dignity rest in peace.

06
Aug
09

Girl, Sit Your Dumb Ass Down

Why Are You Trying To Stop Me From Being Great? 

This is a list of people and things that are gone get the business (I’ma have to pop my trunk and get the Pumas and Vaseline out) if they don’t get up out my way.¬†

1. The Government- ummm yes, I’m talking about you. You have been forewarned to get my paperwork finalized and cut the check for school. I got the Commissioner’s number and I’m not afraid to use it. Hmpf!¬†

2. Those messy bishes at my job- You betta scratch your arse, get glad and get with the program cause your funky attitude and “notifying your manager about what you think I should be doing” is gone make my foot have a meet and greet with your arse or get you tossed up and tossed in one of those refrigerators in the warehouse. Bishes, I’m not going no where so trying to run me off is a lost cause. Be blessed ūüôā¬†

3. Country Time Lemonade- Why must you be sweetened with High Fructose Corn Syrup? You have really destroyed my hopes and dreams of mixing my bottled water with you and having some ice cold lemonade between classes this Fall.¬†I must wean myself off of you (thank God I’m down to my last canister of Pink Lemonade) since you clearly not changing to recipe no time soon. *sad face*¬†

4. Tootsie Roll Pops- You are one false advertising bastard. The bag says “Same Original Flavors With New Flavors Added!” You’s a motherfatherin lie and the truth ain’t in ya! There was not nan a new flavor in this bag I paid $2.69 for! No pineapple, watermelon and you gave me too many of those cherry (cough syrup flavor) pops. I will be sending a lengthy email to the Tootsie Roll Industries in the Chi…cause this is simply unacceptable!¬†

5. Mari Winsor- Okay, I shouldn’t be that hot at you cause you helping me widdle my middle and be more flexible¬†but dang you have my stomach hurting in my sleep doing those core exercises. We gone have to touch an agree that I am supposed to be able to bend over with out feeling like I’m bout to give labor the next day.¬†

6.Dude That Lives in the Apt. Complex Behind Me- I do not want you. Stop eye-f*cking me when you outside in your Dee-bos smoking your cigarette on your patio. You live in an apt with your baby Momma and you seem to always be on the patio smoking when I’m coming or going (which is all the time cause I got it like that don’t judge me)¬†When the f*ck do you work? I am so glad that you are moving so hurr the f*ck up and get that Penske packed and be gone with your chain smoking arse!¬†

7. U.S. Mail- I’m bout tired of you teasing me pulling into my neighborhood at 10a and I don’t get my mail until after 2p. This shat is unacceptable. What the f*ck are you doing, kicking it with your side piece/jump off or something? You need to do that shat on your off day cause my certification has changed and I’ll be d*mned if I wait til after 2p on a Saturday to cash my check cause¬†I got shat to do (shoes to buy)!¬†

8. Emissions Testing Center- So, I failed YOUR test twice? Why is it that my car is less than 4 years old but I got to pay $800 to¬†get a catalytic converter and new intake gaskets¬†only to give this country arse county another $200 for a tag? A stack is almost 10 car payments for my car….I’ma need yall to give me a buy one tag get one free deal for next year cause this shat is ridiculous.¬†

9. Chevrolet- So the emissions warranty is NOW 8 years or 80K miles, huh? Oh okay, what about I drive my car through your showroom and find out how long the warranty is on those cars that are collecting dust and you begging folks to buy? Bastards. 

10. Bishes rocking lacefronts and thinking they fooling somebody- I have a Crackberry with video/camera with a flash on it now. You have been warned.  

 Retiring to my Prayer closet,

 Favor 

 *my apologies to Damnfools and readers for my late post. After fighting the powers of government evil, the sandman and procrastination got me. Forgive me and let me be great!

30
Jul
09

Girl, Sit Your Dumb Ass Down

What Are You Doing?

As I was doing my Pilate’s, or should I say after I was finished (cause I ain’t thinking about shat but my core and breathing while Mari Winsor be working me out); I was thinking about how people are always talking about how they are going to get themselves together, do things different and start over. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Girl, its a new year, I’m doing _________ this year!” or “I’m focused!”, but once the “I’m-gone-get-my-shat-together” pep rally dies down or the alcohol from the New Year’s party wears off its back to business as usual; struggling and dreaming and wishing. I’ve definitely been guilty of this and have been working on talking less and doing way more. I have learned to focus on short term goals and make incremental steps toward my larger goals while visualizing the end result along the way. Its been a transformation but I feel like I’m finally getting where I need to be.

So with that being said, I began to wonder, when you make these declarations, what pushes you over the edge to finally do what you’ve been talking about? You know, when do you stop talking about it and be about it and stop holding all these pep rallies and finally get out and play the game? Is it when your only choice for clothes is the big girls stores? Is it that last text you send to your girl/dude that got no response? Or is it when the your manager is leaning and rocking on your last nerve that you decide to go ahead and sign up for classes are start getting your resume together for a career move and not another dead-end job? My defining moments and inspiration has come in various ways in the last 11 months. The inauguration, the opportunity to get a second degree (for free snitches!!!!) and the ability to just relax and enjoy myself has been rather enlightening. I’ve really began to see the importance of improving the total person versus just trying to obtain wealth, things and titles. There is so much more to life than things since ultimately, none of it matters when we leave this Earth.

I also began to wonder if like myself, do other people think about their new beginning or what I like to call my personal fiscal year? With my birthday coming up in less than 3 weeks, I always consider that day to be my fiscal year; my new beginning for changes and new experiences hoped for as I embark upon a new year. I always challenge myself to accomplish more than I did in the last year. I challenge you to think about what you have done since New Year’s, your birthday, or the last defining moment in your life (inauguration, MJ’s death, Michael Vick getting off house arrest) to better yourself or your situation. No visuals today, just want you to visualize your last epiphany or big idea and ask yourself, what have YOU been doing lately to accomplish it?

Visualizing my greatness,

Favor

26
Jul
09

There’s No Reason For This

With all the medical advancements we have in modern lotions, I find this unacceptable. She must have cracker her Ped-Egg, scrambled it (with cheeze) and had it with toast. You just know her husbands shins bear the scars of her sins. His shins and their sheets, heaven help them both.

22
Jul
09

Just What You Didn’t Want To See

There are way better vaginas out there but we take em where we can get em. Here Tiffany “New York” Pollard was washing her underwear at the laundromat and decided on an impromptu photo shoot. It’s good to know she keeps that beaver pelt managed.




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